she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
