woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
