Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
