just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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