shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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