so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
