i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
