I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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