I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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