she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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