So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
