I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
