hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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