we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
