if you like me you must not know who I am
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize