no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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