new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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