When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
