what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
