I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
