was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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