His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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