just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hippo gnu deer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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