me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You took a bar mat shot.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm too high and old for this...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
