nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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