You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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