community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
