I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
