I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
