We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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