Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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