I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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