The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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