In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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