Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
