I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
