I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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