i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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