well you can't waste a boner
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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