If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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