Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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