please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
