god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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