This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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