your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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