Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
