You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
