apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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