plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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