walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
