I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I forgot how hot balto sounded
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
