I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
