I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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