I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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