It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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