did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
