ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
