he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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