no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
