can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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