Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
