i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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