your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
