Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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